Consumer Product Safety Commission - CPSC

Did your toaster catch on fire? Is your television listening to your conversations and whispering while you’re asleep? Do your specialty brand vitamin pills make you black out, grow hair, and feast on alley cats?

If so, you should call the Consumer Product Safety Commission.

This government agency is in charge of protecting Americans from themselves and the dangerous products that might find their way into their homes after a long night with a bottle of wine, loneliness, and the QVC channel.

The commission isn’t going to issue a product recall because you got your head stuck in a dollhouse while pretending to be Godzilla. But they do focus on products that can pose a serious risk to human health and safety. Things that might catch on fire spontaneously, like the Samsung Note 7. Or things that might leak out deadly chemicals, like batteries. Or a possessed Teddy Ruxpin.

And, of course, this agency is focused on protecting the children. That’s central to the agency’s mission, as it places a significant emphasis on testing and retesting toys and other products meant for kids.

Isn’t it odd that, despite all the jokes about wrapping children in bubble wrap to protect children from getting hurt, efforts to open packaging result in thousands of visits to the ER every year?