Enter Sir John Falstaff and Pistol. FALSTAFF
I will not lend thee a penny. PISTOL
Why then, the world’s mine oyster, which I
with sword will open. FALSTAFF
Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you
should lay my countenance to pawn. I have grated 5
upon my good friends for three reprieves for you
and your coach-fellow Nym, or else you had
looked through the grate like a gemini of baboons.
I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my
friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows. 10
And when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her
fan, I took ’t upon mine honor thou hadst it not. PISTOL
Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen
pence? FALSTAFF
Reason, you rogue, reason. Think’st thou I’ll 15
endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more
about me. I am no gibbet for you. Go—a short
knife and a throng—to your manor of Pickt-hatch,
go. You’ll not bear a letter for me, you rogue? You
stand upon your honor? Why, thou unconfinable 20
baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the
terms of my honor precise. Ay, ay, I myself sometimes,
leaving the fear of God on the left hand
and hiding mine honor in my necessity, am fain to
shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, 25
will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain
looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold beating
oaths under the shelter of your honor! You will
not do it? You? PISTOL
I do relent. What would thou more of man? 30 Enter Robin. ROBIN
Sir, here’s a woman would speak with you. FALSTAFF
Let her approach. | Over at the Garter Inn, Falstaff refuses to loan money to Pistol, who, apparently, is always asking Falstaff for spare change. Pistol draws his sword and says the world is his oyster and he's going to cut it open. (Translation: Pistol is penniless so he's going to use his sword to make his fortune in the world.) Brain Snack: This is the first time this phrase ("the world is my oyster") appears in print, so Shakespeare either invented it or, at the very least, made it popular (source). Falstaff says he's tired of always having to bail out Pistol when the guy gets caught stealing. Then he orders Pistol to scram and yells at him for refusing to deliver his letter to the "merry wives." Pistol backs down. In case you hadn't noticed, Pistol is a bit of a hothead. That's probably why he's named after a firearm. |
Enter Mistress Quickly. MISTRESS QUICKLY
Give your Worship good morrow. FALSTAFF
Good morrow, goodwife. MISTRESS QUICKLY
Not so, an ’t please your Worship. 35 FALSTAFF
Good maid, then. MISTRESS QUICKLY
I’ll be sworn—as my mother was,
the first hour I was born. FALSTAFF
I do believe the swearer. What with me? MISTRESS QUICKLY
Shall I vouchsafe your Worship a 40
word or two? FALSTAFF Two thousand, fair woman, and I’ll vouchsafe
thee the hearing. MISTRESS QUICKLY
There is one Mistress Ford, sir—I
pray, come a little nearer this ways. I myself dwell 45
with Master Doctor Caius. FALSTAFF
Well, on. “Mistress Ford,” you say— MISTRESS QUICKLY
Your Worship says very true. I pray
your Worship, come a little nearer this ways. FALSTAFF
I warrant thee, nobody hears. Mine own 50
people, mine own people. MISTRESS QUICKLY Are they so? God bless them and
make them His servants! FALSTAFF
Well, “Mistress Ford”—what of her? MISTRESS QUICKLY
Why, sir, she’s a good creature. 55
Lord, Lord, your Worship’s a wanton! Well, heaven
forgive you and all of us, I pray! FALSTAFF
“Mistress Ford”—come, “Mistress Ford”— MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, this is the short and the long
of it: you have brought her into such a canaries as 60
’tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when
the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought
her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights,
and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I
warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter, 65
gift after gift, smelling so sweetly—all musk—and
so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold, and in
such alligant terms, and in such wine and sugar of
the best and the fairest, that would have won any
woman’s heart; and, I warrant you, they could 70
never get an eye-wink of her. I had myself twenty
angels given me this morning, but I defy all angels
in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of
honesty. And, I warrant you, they could never get
her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of 75
them all. And yet there has been earls—nay, which
is more, pensioners—but, I warrant you, all is one
with her. FALSTAFF
But what says she to me? Be brief, my good
she-Mercury. 80 MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry, she hath received your letter,
for the which she thanks you a thousand times,
and she gives you to notify that her husband will
be absence from his house between ten and eleven. FALSTAFF
Ten and eleven? 85 MISTRESS QUICKLY
Ay, forsooth; and then you may come
and see the picture, she says, that you wot of. Master
Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas, the
sweet woman leads an ill life with him. He’s a very
jealousy man. She leads a very frampold life with 90
him, good heart. FALSTAFF Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to
her. I will not fail her. MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, you say well. But I have another
messenger to your Worship. Mistress Page 95
hath her hearty commendations to you too; and,
let me tell you in your ear, she’s as fartuous a civil
modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will not miss
you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor,
whoe’er be the other. And she bade me tell 100
your Worship that her husband is seldom from
home, but she hopes there will come a time. I
never knew a woman so dote upon a man. Surely, I
think you have charms, la! Yes, in truth. FALSTAFF Not I, I assure thee. Setting the attraction of 105
my good parts aside, I have no other charms. MISTRESS QUICKLY
Blessing on your heart for ’t! FALSTAFF
But I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford’s wife
and Page’s wife acquainted each other how they
love me? 110 MISTRESS QUICKLY
That were a jest indeed! They have
not so little grace, I hope. That were a trick indeed!
But Mistress Page would desire you to send her
your little page, of all loves. Her husband has a
marvelous infection to the little page; and, truly, 115
Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in
Windsor leads a better life than she does. Do what
she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go to
bed when she list, rise when she list—all is as she
will. And, truly, she deserves it, for if there be a 120
kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send
her your page, no remedy. FALSTAFF Why, I will. MISTRESS QUICKLY Nay, but do so then, and, look you,
he may come and go between you both. And in any 125
case have a nayword, that you may know one another’s
mind, and the boy never need to understand
anything; for ’tis not good that children
should know any wickedness. Old folks, you know,
have discretion, as they say, and know the world. 130 | Mistress Quickly shows up with messages for Falstaff from Mistress Page and Mistress Ford. She takes Falstaff aside and plays to his ego. She tells him that Mistress Ford has never so much as winked at another man, but that Falstaff's letter has her heart all atwitter. She says that Mistress Ford is down for a secret rendezvous and that her hubby will be away the next morning between ten and eleven. (Hint, hint.) Falstaff is so totally there. Then, Quickly relays a separate message from Mistress Page, who says she wants a steamy hookup with Falstaff but doesn't yet know when her husband will be away. Falstaff wants to know if the two housewives know that he's trying to get with both of them. Mistress Quickly says, "Of course not! They're totally clueless!" Snicker. It's decided that Falstaff's boy servant (Robin) will act as a go-between for Falstaff and the wives. |
FALSTAFF
Fare thee well. Commend me to them both.
There’s my purse. He gives her money. I am yet
thy debtor.—Boy, go along with this woman. Mistress Quickly and Robin exit. This news distracts
me. 135 PISTOL, aside
This punk is one of Cupid’s carriers.
Clap on more sails, pursue; up with your fights;
Give fire! She is my prize, or ocean whelm them all! He exits. FALSTAFF
Sayst thou so, old Jack? Go thy ways. I’ll
make more of thy old body than I have done. Will 140
they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense
of so much money, be now a gainer? Good
body, I thank thee. Let them say ’tis grossly done;
so it be fairly done, no matter. Enter Bardolph with wine. BARDOLPH
Sir John, there’s one Master Brook below 145
would fain speak with you and be acquainted with
you, and hath sent your Worship a morning’s
draught of sack. He hands Falstaff the wine. FALSTAFF Brook is his name? BARDOLPH
Ay, sir. 150 FALSTAFF
Call him in. Such Brooks are welcome to
me that o’erflows such liquor. Bardolph exits. Ah ha, Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompassed
you? Go to. Via! Enter Bardolph with Ford disguised as Brook. FORD, as Brook
God bless you, sir. 155 FALSTAFF
And you, sir. Would you speak with me? FORD, as Brook
I make bold to press with so little
preparation upon you. FALSTAFF
You’re welcome. What’s your will?—Give us
leave, drawer. 160 Bardolph exits. FORD, as Brook
Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent
much. My name is Brook. FALSTAFF Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance
of you. FORD, as Brook
Good Sir John, I sue for yours—not 165
to charge you, for I must let you understand I
think myself in better plight for a lender than you
are, the which hath something emboldened me to
this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if money
go before, all ways do lie open. 170 FALSTAFF
Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on. FORD, as Brook Troth, and I have a bag of money
here troubles me. He sets it down. If you will help
to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for easing me
of the carriage. 175 FALSTAFF
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your
porter. FORD, as Brook
I will tell you, sir, if you will give me
the hearing. FALSTAFF Speak, good Master Brook. I shall be glad 180
to be your servant. FORD, as Brook
Sir, I hear you are a scholar—I will
be brief with you—and you have been a man long
known to me, though I had never so good means
as desire to make myself acquainted with you. I 185
shall discover a thing to you wherein I must very
much lay open mine own imperfection. But, good
Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as
you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register
of your own, that I may pass with a reproof 190
the easier, sith you yourself know how easy it is to
be such an offender. FALSTAFF Very well, sir. Proceed. FORD, as Brook
There is a gentlewoman in this
town—her husband’s name is Ford. 195 FALSTAFF
Well, sir. FORD, as Brook
I have long loved her and, I protest
to you, bestowed much on her, followed her with
a doting observance, engrossed opportunities to
meet her, fee’d every slight occasion that could but 200
niggardly give me sight of her, not only bought
many presents to give her, but have given largely to
many to know what she would have given. Briefly,
I have pursued her as love hath pursued me, which
hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever 205
I have merited, either in my mind or in my
means, meed I am sure I have received none, unless
experience be a jewel. That I have purchased
at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say
this: 210
“Love like a shadow flies when substance love
pursues,
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.” FALSTAFF
Have you received no promise of satisfaction
at her hands? 215 FORD, as Brook
Never. FALSTAFF
Have you importuned her to such a
purpose? FORD, as Brook
Never. FALSTAFF
Of what quality was your love, then? 220 FORD, as Brook Like a fair house built on another
man’s ground, so that I have lost my edifice by
mistaking the place where I erected it. | Falstaff gives Mistress Quickly a little monetary tip just before she runs off. Pistol is not happy that Falstaff just gave Mistress Quickly some money. He calls her a "punk," which is fun Elizabethan slang for "whore," and storms off. Bardolph the bartender enters and announces that a guy named "Brook" is here. (Mm hm. It's Ford. In disguise.) Brook wants to buy Falstaff a morning drink (a morning drink?), so Falstaff says, "Send him on up." Brook/Ford enters and offers Falstaff a huge bag of money to help him with a little problem he's having. Do tell, says Falstaff. Brook/Ford says that he's been trying to hook up with Mistress Ford for-e-ver, but she's too faithful to cheat on her husband. |
FALSTAFF
To what purpose have you unfolded this to
me? 225 FORD, as Brook
When I have told you that, I have
told you all. Some say that though she appear honest
to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her
mirth so far that there is shrewd construction
made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my 230
purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding,
admirable discourse, of great admittance,
authentic in your place and person, generally
allowed for your many warlike, courtlike, and
learned preparations. 235 FALSTAFF
O, sir! FORD, as Brook
Believe it, for you know it. There is
money. He points to the bag. Spend it, spend
it, spend more; spend all I have. Only give me so
much of your time in exchange of it as to lay an 240
amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford’s wife.
Use your art of wooing; win her to consent to you.
If any man may, you may as soon as any. FALSTAFF
Would it apply well to the vehemency of
your affection that I should win what you would 245
enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very
preposterously. FORD, as Brook O, understand my drift. She dwells
so securely on the excellency of her honor that the
folly of my soul dares not present itself; she is too 250
bright to be looked against. Now, could I come to
her with any detection in my hand, my desires had
instance and argument to commend themselves. I
could drive her then from the ward of her purity,
her reputation, her marriage vow, and a thousand 255
other her defenses, which now are too too strongly
embattled against me. What say you to ’t, Sir
John? FALSTAFF, taking the bag
Master Brook, I will first
make bold with your money; next, give me your 260
hand; and, last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if
you will, enjoy Ford’s wife. FORD, as Brook
O, good sir! FALSTAFF
I say you shall. FORD, as Brook
Want no money, Sir John; you shall 265
want none. FALSTAFF
Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you
shall want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you,
by her own appointment. Even as you came in to
me, her assistant or go-between parted from me. I 270
say I shall be with her between ten and eleven, for
at that time the jealous, rascally knave her husband
will be forth. Come you to me at night. You
shall know how I speed. | Falstaff tells Ford, "I feel you, man, but what do you want from me?" Brook/Ford wants Falstaff to seduce her. He says she won't break her marriage vows for him (Brook/Ford), but Falstaff is such a stud, surely he can get her to cave. And that will pave the way for Brook to have an affair with her. Um...this is some weird logic if you ask us, but Falstaff buys it. Falstaff practically yells, "Jackpot!" as he snatches up the bag of money. Then Falstaff reveals that he's actually just set up an appointment to hop in bed with Mistress Ford so, this assignment's going to be a piece of cake. |
FORD, as Brook
I am blessed in your acquaintance. 275
Do you know Ford, sir? FALSTAFF
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know
him not. Yet I wrong him to call him poor. They
say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of
money, for the which his wife seems to me well-favored. 280
I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly
rogue’s coffer, and there’s my harvest home. FORD, as Brook
I would you knew Ford, sir, that you
might avoid him if you saw him. FALSTAFF
Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I 285
will stare him out of his wits. I will awe him with
my cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o’er the
cuckold’s horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I
will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt
lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford’s 290
a knave, and I will aggravate his style. Thou, Master
Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold.
Come to me soon at night. Falstaff exits. FORD
What a damned epicurean rascal is this! My
heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says 295
this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent
to him, the hour is fixed, the match is made.
Would any man have thought this? See the hell of
having a false woman: my bed shall be abused, my
coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at. And 300
I shall not only receive this villainous wrong but
stand under the adoption of abominable terms,
and by him that does me this wrong. Terms,
names! “Amaimon” sounds well, “Lucifer” well,
“Barbason” well; yet they are devils’ additions, the 305
names of fiends. But “Cuckold,” “Wittoll,” “Cuckold”!
The devil himself hath not such a name. Page
is an ass, a secure ass. He will trust his wife, he will
not be jealous. I will rather trust a Fleming with
my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my 310
cheese, an Irishman with my aquavitae bottle, or
a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife
with herself. Then she plots, then she ruminates,
then she devises; and what they think in their
hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts 315
but they will effect. God be praised for my jealousy!
Eleven o’clock the hour. I will prevent this,
detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh
at Page. I will about it. Better three hours too soon
than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! Cuckold, cuckold, 320
cuckold! He exits. | Falstaff talks trash about Ford and calls him a "poor cuckoldy knave." A "cuckold" is a guy whose wife cheats on him and a "knave" is an idiot. You can guess that this doesn't go over too well with Ford. Left alone on stage, Master Ford is furious. He delivers a creepy soliloquy about exposing his wife's deceit, getting revenge against Falstaff, and proving that Page is an ass for trusting his wife. So there. (Gee, maybe this guy should be named after a firearm, too.) |